R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
