before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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