I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My feet surprised me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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