She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't make out with my wife yet
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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