I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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