you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
