And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So. Much. Porn.
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