remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
