It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
