Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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