roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
