i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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