she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
