I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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