sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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