I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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