Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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