i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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