Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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