end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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