i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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