so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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