I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
