I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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