True but thats because hes a fetus.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
then he tried to convert me to islam
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
