; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
