why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
