your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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