Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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