ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
