it was like his penis was on wheels.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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