I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
