I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
