My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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