i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
