A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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