I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
