dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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