you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
