the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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