this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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