your parents love me but you hate me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
