I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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