Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
