I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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