I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
