just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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