If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
