I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
