Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
