I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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