that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
