I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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