i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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