I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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