I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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